imminence

No matter what happens in this life we always know that there is change coming. Nothing stays the same for long, it makes life hard and beautiful. But I've also realized how much more meaningful life is when it's changing so constantly. the quote " you don't begin to live until you've lost everything" also applies to life when you realize you have no idea how long things will be yours, or if they where even yours in the first place. You seem to treasure things much more when there are limits.
Over the past couple months I've realized this as I've suddenly realized these are the last few months I will ever truly live in my house, after I move I will be gone. I'll go up to school and find a job than I'll just be coming back to visit, but it will never be the same again. I'm so grateful for the opportunity I've had to gain and strengthen a relationship with each of my siblings. And my parents have taught me so much, they are amazing.
I know I'm very ready to get out of Sanpete County I've loved living here, but I'm ready to break free. I'm excited to breath new air and watch the sunset behind different mountains. I'm excited for the promise my future holds for me. I'm excited for everything I get to study up at the University of Utah, I feel a passion for learning. I know these next few years will be a great blessing to me.
So while the changes in my life are imminent and somewhat bittersweet I cannot imagine something more liberating than taking the next step in my journey. I still don't see my destination but I know I'm headed in the right direction. And despite the tears and frustrations this life is an endless miracle and it is beautiful. 

"I am"

Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to say as the lord says "I am" and stop there, not have to describe, categorize, define or label ourselves? The only reason that we in this mortal existence add on to this phrase is because we are always changing. The lord says "I am" meaning he is constant, stable and reliable. He is unchanging, he doesn't have to tell us how he is or what he is, we know, we see it in all he does. He is power, he is majesty, he is justice, mercy, and love and he shows it to us in all things. He has no need to explain himself.
We on the other hand are unstable, wavering, and many times questioning and unsure of ourselves, the lord never is. We are mortal, we're imperfect which is expected. We have mortal desires, we are all human, everyone of us. We have selfish tenancies and appetites more specifically I do, I'm human I fall to temptation, I'm not so very much different than others around me. Sometimes I like to think I am, I'd like to think that I am stronger than those around me, and in some areas I may be, but generally I am weak. I succumb to wills of the flesh that are ungodly, instead of focusing on the wills of God.
We all would love to think we are strong, independent and free, but deep down we are dependent and governed creatures. As King Benjamin cries out to his people, in his last address to them. "For behold, are we not all ^abeggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have..." We all depend on God and his mercy. Whats more is that we are not free, deep down we in our weakness allow ourselves to be governed by the things that surround us. Our desires, our weaknesses, our fears, our pride, our circumstances, and our lack of belief. We are created by those things and circumstances.
But God, he creates, he is not created, he has complete control over himself, giving him power to create outside of himself. God is not created by what stands around him, he creates what surrounds him. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have that power and control over ourselves, to have the power to be creating who we are, no longer enslaved by our present circumstances. I've started to realize that the only way to gain any control in life is to give all control to the lord. I know now that, that is the only way we can ever become creators. We have to give all control to the lord knowing he will direct us to where he needs us to be, then and only then will we be able to begin to find and create in us the person God intends us to be.
God in his complete majesty says "I am" meaning he is the same yesterday, today and forever and how marvelous it is to know we have a constant being in whom we can give our complete trust and belief.
Someday far beyond this one I hope to be able to say the same "I am" meaning I know who I am. I am a daughter of God with divine worth and purpose, I am constant and stable I know where I am going and I will not waver. I believe with a fullness of heart in the purpose of Christ. I want to know that I am strong and no longer governed by my mortal weaknesses and fears. And while now I may be able to claim none of these. Someday I dream of being able to say with full confidence I am a disciple of my Lord, Jesus Christ and I know with confidence who I am.

From the Inside Out

For a while now I have had people getting after me to update my blog which is actually a little harder than it sounds. In a sense there's not much happening in my life, at least not anything that seems interesting enough to put in a blog.
But while I may have no physical evidence that I am progressing in life, and my life appears to be the same there is so much that is changing. My relationships status may still be the same, my face still looks very much the same, but my heart is changing, and my heart is different. My life has been changing from the inside out.
Like the Lord says in the scriptures "Men look on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." The changes in my life my not be physical or tangible, but I have felt my life rearrange as I've been doing my best to put things in the lords hands. I have felt him kneed my heart like clay. Clay that still may be to hard to make a masterpiece out of but softer than it used to be.
So I think I've decided that on this blog I'm going to try to write over the next few months some of the things I've felt in my heart over the past year. It may not be easy for me because I sometimes have a hard time putting what I feel in my heart into words. But I'm going to try my best.

My Life is Changing

"You may never walk this way again, and chances are that you won't"
~Bishop Bingham
Well I've had a very bitter sweet feeling about life lately, my life is changing into territory I've never been before. There's no map, there's trail guides, but as we've all learned in life no one can tell us exactly where to go, because the thing is we all have different trails. Although to each trail there are similarities, which enable us to be able to connect to each other, and to give encouragement to each other, but we all have different things we must experience so we all have a different trail.
This last month I had two more friends get married and this weekend I have another one getting married. I have no problem with them getting married, in fact I'm very happy for all of them. With that happiness comes the longing to feel the content happiness that they are feeling, part of me is scared to death of it, and part of me is crying out for it. I guess more than anything part of me is starting to feel like I'm getting left behind. This week I tried out for the Institute Choir once again because I told someone I would, and I didn't make it. I'm fine with not making it, I don't have time for something like that when I'm taking eighteen credits, it's the fact the that's another thing on the list of things I've never made it into that bothers me. It's the fact that I've never made it into anything I've tried out for that bothers me. I guess what a tiny piece of me is scared of is the fact the maybe I'll never make anything. After all "It's not enough to be good, you need to be good for something." I just hope that the conflict I've been feeling will make the triumph of concurring my fears and oppressions more glorious. Heaven knows how to put a proper price on it's goods, and if my future happiness comes at the price of frustration, and loneliness now I guess it's a price that's worth paying, it's just not the easiest to pay.
I guess it's this bitter cold winter weather that keeps me cooped up in my house and the library that makes me anxious and makes me feel ready for movement and progression. Part of it is also the time of life, this time of life was meant for change and growth. The real frustration is the fact that as much as I want to move on and grow, the real growth and change can only come when some one else has the desire to to grow and change with me. This time the growth and change isn't all in my hands, before in life if I've wanted a change in life a lot of it was in my hands and although it wasn't immediate I could work on the growth and change at my rate and eventually I would see the affects. But this time it's totally different what I really need is someone that needs me. Someone has to consciously pick me for this progression, and growth.
I know everything will work out in the end, and that knowledge helps me get through life with a smile on my face, and with an ever growing patience, but I must admit at times it doesn't seem to make life any easier at the moment.
All I know is that Heavenly Father has a plan for everything one, and if mine just goes a little slower it doesn't mean it won't work out it just means there's still a few more details to work out. On my wall there's a quote that says "Life is in the details" and it's so true. It's those small and seemingly insignificant details that make life so much sweeter. So I'm just trying to enjoy those small details that make life amazing and beautiful, because I my never walk this way again, and chances are that I won't.

God's Canvas

My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me
I let Him choose the colours
He worketh steadily.
Ofttimes he worketh sorrow
And I, within my heart,
Forget He sees the pattern
While I see only part.
The dark threads were as needful
In the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern he has planned.
Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.

-- Author Unknown

Learning to Fly

“When you have come to the edge Of all light that you know And are about to drop off into the darkness Of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or You will be taught to fly”

Patrick Overton quotes

Well these past few days have been some of the hardest ever for me. In fact this semester has been the hardest semester ever for me. Harder than my first year of high school, when I felt so small insignificant, and insecure. Harder than my senior year of high school when my schedule was so busy that I could hardly breathe, harder than going through Miss Independence with an infected appendix, and harder than going through the stages of a teenager realizing that everything that you've been focusing on were all the pointless things that fade away. But the struggle is different now, I'm not struggling because I'm so busy, I'm not struggling because I'm sick and I'm no longer a teenager worried about what boys think about my on the bus. This isn't a struggle about feeling small and insignificant. I've been struggling with coming to the realization of how much power I could have, I struggle because I'm coming to the realization that I have been saved for this time live on this earth. I've been saved for the best of times and the worst of times. I'm realizing that as hard as things may seem to be right now in the world, it's not going to get any easier for my children. One of the biggest struggles I think there can be in this world is the realization of how big of a roll you could have in the future, and being scared to death that you not reaching your potential.

I've always been a person that liked knowing that I am in control of my life and I could control where I go and what I could become. And suddenly I have realized that I'm not in control of my life, because life consists not only of you, but also the people around you, and the way they live their lives, and the only thing I am in control of is me, and that means very little without the people around you. I think that the Lord did not intend to send us down here and have us plan out our lives and be able to live out our dreams to the best of our ability. Because without him our dreams and our lives would end up being very small compared to what they could be with him in the picture. He wanted to send us down here to lives our lives through his eyes, he wants us to learn how to listen to his direction and his point of view. Our eyes only see as far as the road under our feet, we can't even see the road a head of us sometimes, we never know when it will twist and turn. He can see the birds eye view, he can see where we are, where we are headed and the moment, and he can see the destination he needs us to arrive at, and how to get us there. And he will get us there if we let him, as long as we don't let our dream get in the way of us being able to see his dream for us, because when we look back on moments in our life where he has helped us through, it will be plain as night and day that his dream was bigger, and so much better.

Sometimes it's so hard to just let go and trust the Lord, after all you can't see exactly where he's leading you all the time, you just have to realize he would never take you anywhere to your detriment. I guess over all that has been my biggest struggle and hardest for me, is to let go of my dreams enough to be able to see his. When I first came to College I really thought I had it all planned out, my dreams weren't bad dreams but they were enough to cloud out what the lord wanted for me, and it hurts so bad turning around and realizing what a great opportunity I just threw away but I guess that lord wouldn't want to my to focus on that, but he wants me to learn to listen for his call so that when I hear his voice, I will recognize it and follow it. I know that the Atonement makes all things possible, and that the lord can and will make everything right but he will wait a little while to test your obedience before giving you another shot at something important. The lord wants you learn to trust his voice knowing that when you take a leap he will help you land, or he will teach you to fly. Makes you wonder how baby birds feel when they are learning to fly, trying so hard to listen to their mothers command, but being scared to death to leave the nest to fly. And you do have to leave the nest to fly, that is one requirement.

It may be hard and sometimes heartbreaking to give up the dreams that you had planned for yourself, but it's so much less heartache to realize the lord knows all things and he is the only one in this world you can truly rely on, and he is the only way you can ever truly fly. Without his plan and with out his guidance we're stuck in the tree with no wings to fly.

I Can Hear It (original) - by Tim Zibrat