People May Not Hear

I have learned though the years that the words that go unwritten in time will become warped and twisted. People can use words as weapons against those who speak them, even when spoken in truth. In a world full of lawyers and attorneys people have learned to twist words to gain the result they desire no matter what the original intent was. If words go unwritten, they go undecided because there is no way to keep them solid and structured the way they once were if they are spoken and carried away in the winds of time. Something I've realized is People may not see the actions I do when they are not looking, and people may not hear some of the softer words I speak and in time, people may even forget the original message which I shared when they did hear me. I may not be able to show what I am feeling as well as I wish, But nobody can dispute the words that I write that contains the dynamic elements of my soul. People can never argue that the words that I write are not true to what I feel inside and who I am. For they are signed with the signature of my heart. And if people read my words seeking to understand who I am it is in my words they will find it. It is there in the signature of my soul. 

Reflections of Me

I though I would just take time to type up some of the things I love in life hoping that they are a proper representations of who I am inside.
I love silence that you hear while snow falls, I love the smell of crunching leaves during autumn. I love sunsets at the end of my hardest days, and at the end of my good days too. I like getting up early and watching the sunrise on my roof with my little brothers. I like the fresh feeling that floats through the air when spring is on the way, and I love the crisp feeling of autumn in the air. Autumn and Spring are my favorite seasons. Utah has gorgeous sunsets. I love the way I feel walking away from a wonderful fireside, and I love the softness you feel towards people when you take the time to have real in depth conversations and get to know each other. I like trying on shoes and bananas in my cheerios. I love butterfly kisses and bear hugs.
I like the taste of peppermint on my tongue, and although I don't like the dentist I love the feeling of clean healthy teeth. I like smiling and laughing and I love smiling even more, when I feel like smiling all day, just because I'm happy. I love the moment in the movies when the girl gets kissed by the guy deserves it most. I love curling up on the couch and watching a great movie with my family. I love listening to the end credit music and the end of movies, I like listening to all the details that added together make music feel like a beautiful invisible picture that you feel instead of seeing.
I love being lead by a guy that knows how to dancing, and I love it when listening to music makes my heart dance. I love that growing up my parents insisted on me learning how to play instruments, and while I was never a pro I learned to appreciate the beauty of music, and I can play the piano for the pleasure of feeling the key touch the tips of my fingers. I love the empowering moment when I nail something that I have been working at for a long time. I like playing beautiful expressive music that will touch hearts and I love singing at the top of my lung in my car when no one can care what I sound like.
I love that moment music expresses your emotion perfectly. I love proving the negative thinkers wrong and proving that I am what I want to be, not what they stereotype me as.
I like finding discounts and knowing that I can get good quality, I like sweaters hoodies and skirts. I love being able to dress up and feel like a lady. I love it when even when someone doesn't like you they respect you for who you are, and I love it when I find myself capable of doing the same.
I love that when I come home to visit I wake up to either childrens laughter or my family singing, I love going camping with my family and ending up with our little cocker spaniel wrapped around the top of my head, with her head on my shoulder. I like going to lake powell with my family and the random moments of insider jokes you remember. I love picking up the phone with my brother-in-law to hear him call me sunshine on the other line. I miss horses and I loved riding bareback and feeling the wind in my hair. I love waltzing gracefully to beautiful music although I haven't done it in years. I love it when I get a dance move just right after practicing over and over to get it that way.
I like fruit yogurt and pizza, and while I've always felt that I was a very independent person, I love knowing that there are people that are concerned and care for me. I like going home to well cooked meals. I like long talks with my family that are full of insight and upliftment.

I guess what really matters is that yes sometimes life stinks and sometimes it's hard, but in all the frustrating complexity I love it. I love my life and while I may not agree with everything going on in my country I love my country, it is beautiful and has a wonderful legacy. I love the gospel, and the insight it gives me. I love life and I hope that people can see my love for life and see it as a reflection of who I am.

On the Outskirts

One of the most important things to realize in life is that you may find contentment and comfort by staying within the safe bounds of your comfort zone, but it's not until you take a brave step outside of comfort that you find what you most yearn for. Yes you will find pain, yes you will feel insecurities, dark times and loneliness. You will stumble on faults and flaws, you will find traits existing inside your soul that you despise. More than anything you will be confronted with all your greatest doubts and fears. But what is greater than all of that, the thing greater than all the darkness that you can confront will be the light that you may find. Yes you are given the confrontation of evil, but more importantly you will find peace, confidence, faith and happiness. Yes the thing greater than all of the pacifying comfort the world could offer you is the light and joy you will surely find when you look past the darkness of the world and choose courage over doubt. The only place you will find joy and confidence (not only in yourself but also in your lord) is beyond the outskirts and boundaries of your comfort zone. You just have to find enough courage to take the step.

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time. . . there was an enchanted world, and than it was destroyed and everybody bid it good bye realizing that somehow they had to make it through this new life that they faced. But little did people realize that just because everything changes, doesn't mean it's never been this way before. And there was a girl that lived in this not so enchanted world and some people came into her life that helped her realize that there have been times of struggle and trial in the life before this one, but now just as than right will prevail, the sincere in heart will find their desires, good people will find happiness, light will always rise no matter how dark and cold the night and true love will cure any curse. It already has, it did the moment someone loved us enough to die for us, and it was sealed the morning the sun rose after those three days of darkness. And it always will. . . For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son. True Love does cure any curse and it always will. We have that promise

Wanted

About six months ago a bumper sticker was read aloud in a general conference talk, that brought forth laughter. Even deeper it brought forth a great truth it read "Don't judge me because I sin differently than you." In the months since than I have reflected on this quote many times, rerealizing every time the truth it teaches each of is that we are all imperfect, but we have no right to call each other out on it. We are all in need of mercy in our lives and we must in turn give it to all who are around us, no matter how imperfect.
Not long ago I was driving through downtown Salt Lake City, reading bumper stickers as I went and one particularly stuck out to me. It read Wanted: A Good Woman.  In the past week I've hit the sad realization of how true that is, but not just for woman. But people our world is in need of good people, I'm not pointing fingers or saying that I'm doing better than anyone else. The truth is most of us know better than we're doing, we've all become so sucked into the idea of not wanting to offend those around us. That we're all living our lives walking on pins, avoiding any subject that may be difficult to address. With political unrest surrounding us everywhere we turn, we with hold our beliefs afraid that they may condemn us. I speak of myself specifically knowing that I don't stand alone. When I reflect back on times in history when there were miracles and times of greatness. It was in those times that there were Good people reaching out to those around them, standing up for what they believed. But they weren't afraid to be good to those around them either. They were good.
I know each and everyone of us were preserved for this time on this earth. We proved who we were in the premortal existence. And now in this life what our world really needs is good people, which requires courage. But there will come a time where we will have to question ourselves to whether we are more fearful of who we could be, or more fearful of what this world will become without good people. We all have power with in our being, whether we want that power or not, we still have it. That power will either be negative or positive it cannot be neutral. In today's fighting grounds there is no neutral ground, it does not exist. I used to have a quote in my locker that said "Choose what you want out of life before it decides what it wants out of you. For if you do not choose, life definitely will."
I want to be a good woman, because like the sticker stated good woman are needed in today's world. Notice that every outstanding man in the Bible that fell, fell because of a woman. I do not want to be that woman that drags a man to his knees, becoming his greatest weaknesses. I want to be a strength to those around me. And I hope I can be using the power that I have for the strength of the world around me. I want to be Good.

imminence

No matter what happens in this life we always know that there is change coming. Nothing stays the same for long, it makes life hard and beautiful. But I've also realized how much more meaningful life is when it's changing so constantly. the quote " you don't begin to live until you've lost everything" also applies to life when you realize you have no idea how long things will be yours, or if they where even yours in the first place. You seem to treasure things much more when there are limits.
Over the past couple months I've realized this as I've suddenly realized these are the last few months I will ever truly live in my house, after I move I will be gone. I'll go up to school and find a job than I'll just be coming back to visit, but it will never be the same again. I'm so grateful for the opportunity I've had to gain and strengthen a relationship with each of my siblings. And my parents have taught me so much, they are amazing.
I know I'm very ready to get out of Sanpete County I've loved living here, but I'm ready to break free. I'm excited to breath new air and watch the sunset behind different mountains. I'm excited for the promise my future holds for me. I'm excited for everything I get to study up at the University of Utah, I feel a passion for learning. I know these next few years will be a great blessing to me.
So while the changes in my life are imminent and somewhat bittersweet I cannot imagine something more liberating than taking the next step in my journey. I still don't see my destination but I know I'm headed in the right direction. And despite the tears and frustrations this life is an endless miracle and it is beautiful. 

"I am"

Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to say as the lord says "I am" and stop there, not have to describe, categorize, define or label ourselves? The only reason that we in this mortal existence add on to this phrase is because we are always changing. The lord says "I am" meaning he is constant, stable and reliable. He is unchanging, he doesn't have to tell us how he is or what he is, we know, we see it in all he does. He is power, he is majesty, he is justice, mercy, and love and he shows it to us in all things. He has no need to explain himself.
We on the other hand are unstable, wavering, and many times questioning and unsure of ourselves, the lord never is. We are mortal, we're imperfect which is expected. We have mortal desires, we are all human, everyone of us. We have selfish tenancies and appetites more specifically I do, I'm human I fall to temptation, I'm not so very much different than others around me. Sometimes I like to think I am, I'd like to think that I am stronger than those around me, and in some areas I may be, but generally I am weak. I succumb to wills of the flesh that are ungodly, instead of focusing on the wills of God.
We all would love to think we are strong, independent and free, but deep down we are dependent and governed creatures. As King Benjamin cries out to his people, in his last address to them. "For behold, are we not all ^abeggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have..." We all depend on God and his mercy. Whats more is that we are not free, deep down we in our weakness allow ourselves to be governed by the things that surround us. Our desires, our weaknesses, our fears, our pride, our circumstances, and our lack of belief. We are created by those things and circumstances.
But God, he creates, he is not created, he has complete control over himself, giving him power to create outside of himself. God is not created by what stands around him, he creates what surrounds him. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have that power and control over ourselves, to have the power to be creating who we are, no longer enslaved by our present circumstances. I've started to realize that the only way to gain any control in life is to give all control to the lord. I know now that, that is the only way we can ever become creators. We have to give all control to the lord knowing he will direct us to where he needs us to be, then and only then will we be able to begin to find and create in us the person God intends us to be.
God in his complete majesty says "I am" meaning he is the same yesterday, today and forever and how marvelous it is to know we have a constant being in whom we can give our complete trust and belief.
Someday far beyond this one I hope to be able to say the same "I am" meaning I know who I am. I am a daughter of God with divine worth and purpose, I am constant and stable I know where I am going and I will not waver. I believe with a fullness of heart in the purpose of Christ. I want to know that I am strong and no longer governed by my mortal weaknesses and fears. And while now I may be able to claim none of these. Someday I dream of being able to say with full confidence I am a disciple of my Lord, Jesus Christ and I know with confidence who I am.