Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time. . . there was an enchanted world, and than it was destroyed and everybody bid it good bye realizing that somehow they had to make it through this new life that they faced. But little did people realize that just because everything changes, doesn't mean it's never been this way before. And there was a girl that lived in this not so enchanted world and some people came into her life that helped her realize that there have been times of struggle and trial in the life before this one, but now just as than right will prevail, the sincere in heart will find their desires, good people will find happiness, light will always rise no matter how dark and cold the night and true love will cure any curse. It already has, it did the moment someone loved us enough to die for us, and it was sealed the morning the sun rose after those three days of darkness. And it always will. . . For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son. True Love does cure any curse and it always will. We have that promise

Wanted

About six months ago a bumper sticker was read aloud in a general conference talk, that brought forth laughter. Even deeper it brought forth a great truth it read "Don't judge me because I sin differently than you." In the months since than I have reflected on this quote many times, rerealizing every time the truth it teaches each of is that we are all imperfect, but we have no right to call each other out on it. We are all in need of mercy in our lives and we must in turn give it to all who are around us, no matter how imperfect.
Not long ago I was driving through downtown Salt Lake City, reading bumper stickers as I went and one particularly stuck out to me. It read Wanted: A Good Woman.  In the past week I've hit the sad realization of how true that is, but not just for woman. But people our world is in need of good people, I'm not pointing fingers or saying that I'm doing better than anyone else. The truth is most of us know better than we're doing, we've all become so sucked into the idea of not wanting to offend those around us. That we're all living our lives walking on pins, avoiding any subject that may be difficult to address. With political unrest surrounding us everywhere we turn, we with hold our beliefs afraid that they may condemn us. I speak of myself specifically knowing that I don't stand alone. When I reflect back on times in history when there were miracles and times of greatness. It was in those times that there were Good people reaching out to those around them, standing up for what they believed. But they weren't afraid to be good to those around them either. They were good.
I know each and everyone of us were preserved for this time on this earth. We proved who we were in the premortal existence. And now in this life what our world really needs is good people, which requires courage. But there will come a time where we will have to question ourselves to whether we are more fearful of who we could be, or more fearful of what this world will become without good people. We all have power with in our being, whether we want that power or not, we still have it. That power will either be negative or positive it cannot be neutral. In today's fighting grounds there is no neutral ground, it does not exist. I used to have a quote in my locker that said "Choose what you want out of life before it decides what it wants out of you. For if you do not choose, life definitely will."
I want to be a good woman, because like the sticker stated good woman are needed in today's world. Notice that every outstanding man in the Bible that fell, fell because of a woman. I do not want to be that woman that drags a man to his knees, becoming his greatest weaknesses. I want to be a strength to those around me. And I hope I can be using the power that I have for the strength of the world around me. I want to be Good.

imminence

No matter what happens in this life we always know that there is change coming. Nothing stays the same for long, it makes life hard and beautiful. But I've also realized how much more meaningful life is when it's changing so constantly. the quote " you don't begin to live until you've lost everything" also applies to life when you realize you have no idea how long things will be yours, or if they where even yours in the first place. You seem to treasure things much more when there are limits.
Over the past couple months I've realized this as I've suddenly realized these are the last few months I will ever truly live in my house, after I move I will be gone. I'll go up to school and find a job than I'll just be coming back to visit, but it will never be the same again. I'm so grateful for the opportunity I've had to gain and strengthen a relationship with each of my siblings. And my parents have taught me so much, they are amazing.
I know I'm very ready to get out of Sanpete County I've loved living here, but I'm ready to break free. I'm excited to breath new air and watch the sunset behind different mountains. I'm excited for the promise my future holds for me. I'm excited for everything I get to study up at the University of Utah, I feel a passion for learning. I know these next few years will be a great blessing to me.
So while the changes in my life are imminent and somewhat bittersweet I cannot imagine something more liberating than taking the next step in my journey. I still don't see my destination but I know I'm headed in the right direction. And despite the tears and frustrations this life is an endless miracle and it is beautiful. 

"I am"

Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to say as the lord says "I am" and stop there, not have to describe, categorize, define or label ourselves? The only reason that we in this mortal existence add on to this phrase is because we are always changing. The lord says "I am" meaning he is constant, stable and reliable. He is unchanging, he doesn't have to tell us how he is or what he is, we know, we see it in all he does. He is power, he is majesty, he is justice, mercy, and love and he shows it to us in all things. He has no need to explain himself.
We on the other hand are unstable, wavering, and many times questioning and unsure of ourselves, the lord never is. We are mortal, we're imperfect which is expected. We have mortal desires, we are all human, everyone of us. We have selfish tenancies and appetites more specifically I do, I'm human I fall to temptation, I'm not so very much different than others around me. Sometimes I like to think I am, I'd like to think that I am stronger than those around me, and in some areas I may be, but generally I am weak. I succumb to wills of the flesh that are ungodly, instead of focusing on the wills of God.
We all would love to think we are strong, independent and free, but deep down we are dependent and governed creatures. As King Benjamin cries out to his people, in his last address to them. "For behold, are we not all ^abeggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have..." We all depend on God and his mercy. Whats more is that we are not free, deep down we in our weakness allow ourselves to be governed by the things that surround us. Our desires, our weaknesses, our fears, our pride, our circumstances, and our lack of belief. We are created by those things and circumstances.
But God, he creates, he is not created, he has complete control over himself, giving him power to create outside of himself. God is not created by what stands around him, he creates what surrounds him. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have that power and control over ourselves, to have the power to be creating who we are, no longer enslaved by our present circumstances. I've started to realize that the only way to gain any control in life is to give all control to the lord. I know now that, that is the only way we can ever become creators. We have to give all control to the lord knowing he will direct us to where he needs us to be, then and only then will we be able to begin to find and create in us the person God intends us to be.
God in his complete majesty says "I am" meaning he is the same yesterday, today and forever and how marvelous it is to know we have a constant being in whom we can give our complete trust and belief.
Someday far beyond this one I hope to be able to say the same "I am" meaning I know who I am. I am a daughter of God with divine worth and purpose, I am constant and stable I know where I am going and I will not waver. I believe with a fullness of heart in the purpose of Christ. I want to know that I am strong and no longer governed by my mortal weaknesses and fears. And while now I may be able to claim none of these. Someday I dream of being able to say with full confidence I am a disciple of my Lord, Jesus Christ and I know with confidence who I am.

From the Inside Out

For a while now I have had people getting after me to update my blog which is actually a little harder than it sounds. In a sense there's not much happening in my life, at least not anything that seems interesting enough to put in a blog.
But while I may have no physical evidence that I am progressing in life, and my life appears to be the same there is so much that is changing. My relationships status may still be the same, my face still looks very much the same, but my heart is changing, and my heart is different. My life has been changing from the inside out.
Like the Lord says in the scriptures "Men look on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." The changes in my life my not be physical or tangible, but I have felt my life rearrange as I've been doing my best to put things in the lords hands. I have felt him kneed my heart like clay. Clay that still may be to hard to make a masterpiece out of but softer than it used to be.
So I think I've decided that on this blog I'm going to try to write over the next few months some of the things I've felt in my heart over the past year. It may not be easy for me because I sometimes have a hard time putting what I feel in my heart into words. But I'm going to try my best.

My Life is Changing

"You may never walk this way again, and chances are that you won't"
~Bishop Bingham
Well I've had a very bitter sweet feeling about life lately, my life is changing into territory I've never been before. There's no map, there's trail guides, but as we've all learned in life no one can tell us exactly where to go, because the thing is we all have different trails. Although to each trail there are similarities, which enable us to be able to connect to each other, and to give encouragement to each other, but we all have different things we must experience so we all have a different trail.
This last month I had two more friends get married and this weekend I have another one getting married. I have no problem with them getting married, in fact I'm very happy for all of them. With that happiness comes the longing to feel the content happiness that they are feeling, part of me is scared to death of it, and part of me is crying out for it. I guess more than anything part of me is starting to feel like I'm getting left behind. This week I tried out for the Institute Choir once again because I told someone I would, and I didn't make it. I'm fine with not making it, I don't have time for something like that when I'm taking eighteen credits, it's the fact the that's another thing on the list of things I've never made it into that bothers me. It's the fact that I've never made it into anything I've tried out for that bothers me. I guess what a tiny piece of me is scared of is the fact the maybe I'll never make anything. After all "It's not enough to be good, you need to be good for something." I just hope that the conflict I've been feeling will make the triumph of concurring my fears and oppressions more glorious. Heaven knows how to put a proper price on it's goods, and if my future happiness comes at the price of frustration, and loneliness now I guess it's a price that's worth paying, it's just not the easiest to pay.
I guess it's this bitter cold winter weather that keeps me cooped up in my house and the library that makes me anxious and makes me feel ready for movement and progression. Part of it is also the time of life, this time of life was meant for change and growth. The real frustration is the fact that as much as I want to move on and grow, the real growth and change can only come when some one else has the desire to to grow and change with me. This time the growth and change isn't all in my hands, before in life if I've wanted a change in life a lot of it was in my hands and although it wasn't immediate I could work on the growth and change at my rate and eventually I would see the affects. But this time it's totally different what I really need is someone that needs me. Someone has to consciously pick me for this progression, and growth.
I know everything will work out in the end, and that knowledge helps me get through life with a smile on my face, and with an ever growing patience, but I must admit at times it doesn't seem to make life any easier at the moment.
All I know is that Heavenly Father has a plan for everything one, and if mine just goes a little slower it doesn't mean it won't work out it just means there's still a few more details to work out. On my wall there's a quote that says "Life is in the details" and it's so true. It's those small and seemingly insignificant details that make life so much sweeter. So I'm just trying to enjoy those small details that make life amazing and beautiful, because I my never walk this way again, and chances are that I won't.

God's Canvas

My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me
I let Him choose the colours
He worketh steadily.
Ofttimes he worketh sorrow
And I, within my heart,
Forget He sees the pattern
While I see only part.
The dark threads were as needful
In the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern he has planned.
Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.

-- Author Unknown