Well these past few days have been some of the hardest ever for me. In fact this semester has been the hardest semester ever for me. Harder than my first year of high school, when I felt so small insignificant, and insecure. Harder than my senior year of high school when my schedule was so busy that I could hardly breathe, harder than going through Miss Independence with an infected appendix, and harder than going through the stages of a teenager realizing that everything that you've been focusing on were all the pointless things that fade away. But the struggle is different now, I'm not struggling because I'm so busy, I'm not struggling because I'm sick and I'm no longer a teenager worried about what boys think about my on the bus. This isn't a struggle about feeling small and insignificant. I've been struggling with coming to the realization of how much power I could have, I struggle because I'm coming to the realization that I have been saved for this time live on this earth. I've been saved for the best of times and the worst of times. I'm realizing that as hard as things may seem to be right now in the world, it's not going to get any easier for my children. One of the biggest struggles I think there can be in this world is the realization of how big of a roll you could have in the future, and being scared to death that you not reaching your potential.
I've always been a person that liked knowing that I am in control of my life and I could control where I go and what I could become. And suddenly I have realized that I'm not in control of my life, because life consists not only of you, but also the people around you, and the way they live their lives, and the only thing I am in control of is me, and that means very little without the people around you. I think that the Lord did not intend to send us down here and have us plan out our lives and be able to live out our dreams to the best of our ability. Because without him our dreams and our lives would end up being very small compared to what they could be with him in the picture. He wanted to send us down here to lives our lives through his eyes, he wants us to learn how to listen to his direction and his point of view. Our eyes only see as far as the road under our feet, we can't even see the road a head of us sometimes, we never know when it will twist and turn. He can see the birds eye view, he can see where we are, where we are headed and the moment, and he can see the destination he needs us to arrive at, and how to get us there. And he will get us there if we let him, as long as we don't let our dream get in the way of us being able to see his dream for us, because when we look back on moments in our life where he has helped us through, it will be plain as night and day that his dream was bigger, and so much better.
Sometimes it's so hard to just let go and trust the Lord, after all you can't see exactly where he's leading you all the time, you just have to realize he would never take you anywhere to your detriment. I guess over all that has been my biggest struggle and hardest for me, is to let go of my dreams enough to be able to see his. When I first came to College I really thought I had it all planned out, my dreams weren't bad dreams but they were enough to cloud out what the lord wanted for me, and it hurts so bad turning around and realizing what a great opportunity I just threw away but I guess that lord wouldn't want to my to focus on that, but he wants me to learn to listen for his call so that when I hear his voice, I will recognize it and follow it. I know that the Atonement makes all things possible, and that the lord can and will make everything right but he will wait a little while to test your obedience before giving you another shot at something important. The lord wants you learn to trust his voice knowing that when you take a leap he will help you land, or he will teach you to fly. Makes you wonder how baby birds feel when they are learning to fly, trying so hard to listen to their mothers command, but being scared to death to leave the nest to fly. And you do have to leave the nest to fly, that is one requirement.
It may be hard and sometimes heartbreaking to give up the dreams that you had planned for yourself, but it's so much less heartache to realize the lord knows all things and he is the only one in this world you can truly rely on, and he is the only way you can ever truly fly. Without his plan and with out his guidance we're stuck in the tree with no wings to fly.
