I have always been self conscious of my weight, strangely when I was younger I was pretty sure I was fat maybe borderline obese. I never got over 156 pounds which isn't horrible. I also never had an eating disorder, per say. I was a stress/emotional eater but to some degree I believe that is normal in humans, especially in teens, but somehow I really thought I was fat and that when people saw me they saw rolls of chub sticking out everywhere. I was self conscious of my hair which seemed to always have a mind of it's own, still does but I guess me and my hair have learned to communicate.
Anyways the point of this is I have always, always thought there is something about me that needed to change before I could be truly loved. When I was younger it was my smile, because it's crooked, my hair that has a lot of volume sometimes etc. . . . The list goes on, the way it does with I imagine everyone to have ever lived. We all have a list of skeletons we put in a box and bury in our closet scared that when someone gets to know us to much they will find that box. The boxes contents change through the fazes of life but it's always there, there is always a box, sometimes it's full of shallow reflections of what bugs us when we see ourselves reflected back at us in the mirror, and sometimes it's deep insecurities that are hidden deep inside our souls. The fear is, that if someone finds that box and gets to know the contents, they turn to leave and you will not be worth loving in their eyes.
It's the biggest lie in the universe, yet the most spread lie. Probably the most believed one too. However within the last little while I have been studying people anything and everything about them. I watch them while they talk while they interact and while they are all alone doing what appears to be nothing. Creepy right? yup but not really, not if what I am learning from it is going to change everything about how I perceive people, not if I am finding little things that will forever change the way I treat myself and others.
Elder Holland says "
So be kind regarding human frailty—your own as well as that of those who serve with you" I am not kind, usually not to myself, and a lot less so than I should be with others. I am sometimes kind of prickly because I am flawed all over the place, and so are others. If I keep them at a distance they can't see my flaws and I can't see theirs. I made a goal recently to be a more compassionate person. It's a trait I struggle with but the world could use more compassion right now, and if I don't work on providing some than who will? So I looked up compassion to see what it is I am even trying to develop within myself. Ever wondered what compassion means? Well, here you go "
a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering."
I sometimes feel pity for others, and sometimes I feel bad for people, and usually when I see extreme circumstances in third world countries I feel sympathy and a desire to change the circumstance, or ease the pain. But rarely do I feel that just looking at people around me and think that I want to alleviate whatever it is that is making their life so crazy. Well I have come to a conclusion, when I have gone on service trips I have set aside time specifically to feel compassion for people, and most the time I am not close to those people, so there's not a fear of attachment, disappointment, and a host of other things you may feel when trying to help those around you that have an immediate affect on your life.
Well people are beautiful and everyone deserves compassion regardless of the price and the chances you have to take.
As much as growing I was taught to never gamble I have come to know that this life is a gamble, it's all about taking chances and learning to put power in the hands of a being greater than us, that we cannot see. We have to take chances for everything worthwhile, and there are moments when we have absolutely no guarantee, but we still have to put something on the line. There are some moments that ask us to put everything on the line, there are sometimes we have to give everything, and anything that we once were for the slight chance of change or growth.
The reward for the gamble is not money, or people loving you back, its not the guarantee that you will never be hurt. It's not the blessings you gain in your life from help others, although that is a priceless gift. The gift is the depth of you soul that you gain from searching for beauty in life that does meet the eye, the gift we receive is a love for others we did not have before. The greatest gift is us learning to love in a dimension that we did not know existed in life previously.
People are beautiful, their souls are breathtaking, if you will even give them a second glance. People are worth our compassion, every bit that we can give them. That doesn't mean being stupid and trusting blinding, it just means that we need to see people for what they are, imperfect being trying to find their way in this complicated existence. People are worth taking chances for.
