"You may never walk this way again, and chances are that you won't"
~Bishop Bingham
Well I've had a very bitter sweet feeling about life lately, my life is changing into territory I've never been before. There's no map, there's trail guides, but as we've all learned in life no one can tell us exactly where to go, because the thing is we all have different trails. Although to each trail there are similarities, which enable us to be able to connect to each other, and to give encouragement to each other, but we all have different things we must experience so we all have a different trail.
This last month I had two more friends get married and this weekend I have another one getting married. I have no problem with them getting married, in fact I'm very happy for all of them. With that happiness comes the longing to feel the content happiness that they are feeling, part of me is scared to death of it, and part of me is crying out for it. I guess more than anything part of me is starting to feel like I'm getting left behind. This week I tried out for the Institute Choir once again because I told someone I would, and I didn't make it. I'm fine with not making it, I don't have time for something like that when I'm taking eighteen credits, it's the fact the that's another thing on the list of things I've never made it into that bothers me. It's the fact that I've never made it into anything I've tried out for that bothers me. I guess what a tiny piece of me is scared of is the fact the maybe I'll never make anything. After all "It's not enough to be good, you need to be good for something." I just hope that the conflict I've been feeling will make the triumph of concurring my fears and oppressions more glorious. Heaven knows how to put a proper price on it's goods, and if my future happiness comes at the price of frustration, and loneliness now I guess it's a price that's worth paying, it's just not the easiest to pay.
I guess it's this bitter cold winter weather that keeps me cooped up in my house and the library that makes me anxious and makes me feel ready for movement and progression. Part of it is also the time of life, this time of life was meant for change and growth. The real frustration is the fact that as much as I want to move on and grow, the real growth and change can only come when some one else has the desire to to grow and change with me. This time the growth and change isn't all in my hands, before in life if I've wanted a change in life a lot of it was in my hands and although it wasn't immediate I could work on the growth and change at my rate and eventually I would see the affects. But this time it's totally different what I really need is someone that needs me. Someone has to consciously pick me for this progression, and growth.
I know everything will work out in the end, and that knowledge helps me get through life with a smile on my face, and with an ever growing patience, but I must admit at times it doesn't seem to make life any easier at the moment.
All I know is that Heavenly Father has a plan for everything one, and if mine just goes a little slower it doesn't mean it won't work out it just means there's still a few more details to work out. On my wall there's a quote that says "Life is in the details" and it's so true. It's those small and seemingly insignificant details that make life so much sweeter. So I'm just trying to enjoy those small details that make life amazing and beautiful, because I my never walk this way again, and chances are that I won't.
