Ever since I graduated high school I have had a trickle, that seemed more like a stream of friends getting married. It's fantastic and I have been sincerely happy for them every time that things work out in their favor. This is an amazing and exciting time of life, there's so much to love, to look forward to, and so so very much be grateful for and celebrate.
What hasn't made as happy is the fact the I have felt like people look at me like I'm somehow faulty, or just behind schedule. In high school I was the girl that everyone thought would be married at eighteen, or nineteen considering that I'm an older one in my grade. I kind of knew at the time they were wrong, and sometimes I would inform them, sometimes I'd just let them flatter themselves in thinking they were dead on. Than wedding after wedding I was still single, which I was fine with, and when my older sister got married, in the line several people told me I had one year to get married. I figure this had to do with the fact that my older brother and sister got married within one year of each other. Now it's been three years since my sisters wedding. Three wonderful, and sometimes hard years. I have learned how to truly love but also accept heartbreak as a beautiful thing that enables you to love deeper than ever before.
But the more people looked at me expectantly the more I felt I was a disappointment to others, which was what was hard for me, the feeling that I had let others down was what killed me inside. They weren't disappointed, that was just my perception, but that perception started to cripple me. I wondered why I wasn't asked out more. I was told I was to picky, and I wasn't encouraging enough, I didn't touch a guys elbow enough when I was interested in him, which was ludicrous to me, but that tiny sliver of doubt crept into my mind that started to paralyze me. People always said never give up on your dreams and never settle for less than what you truly want, but I had already given up on myself. I was struggling with depression, which didn't help things and when I finally decided I needed help and was diagnosed medication didn't help, it just eased the stress I felt inside.
Well here it is 1:01 in the morning I'm crying on my bed finally realizing that I am fine, in fact I am great. I finally am realizing that nobodies been disappointed by me except for Satan because he's realizing I am not his, I have bought with a price and I am a daughter of an almighty Heavenly Father who loves me very much and has never for one moment been disappointed by my firmness in waiting for what I truly desire. This morning a friend of mine gave me a blog site for me to read, which I am finally getting around to reading. I think this realization had been setting in all day, and it finally just struck me, the one person that has been disappointed in me was me, and it was because I felt other must staple their admiration of me on to what I am able to accomplish, and when I got pounded for not going on a mission, and people started asking me if it was going to be me next to get married I figured they had to be disappointed. After all I was a beautiful young woman who was intelligent, and talented and able, why shouldn't I be able to attract a man to me, I started to feel like there must be something wrong with me. Well there's nothing wrong except that I am loving and patient with everyone but myself, why should I grant others my love and patience when I was destructively denying myself of what I have most needed : Love for me. Timing is essential in all of Gods finest masterpieces, why should my life be any different?
If I want my life to reflect the purest beauties of God's wondrous works I need to realize he is guiding me, he is not disappointed, he loves me. He is eagerly waiting for me to be submissive to follow him to the unknown paths he has for me. I can see the doors he has opened for me in my past, and the doors he has started to open to me now, they are not typical doors, one would expect to open at my age, but they are beautiful, baring the detailed beauty of The Masters hand, a hand that has tenderly and lovingly carved out a beautiful future for me, because he is good, and he loves me. I see a door opening before that may change the lives of my children and generations after me. For the first time in a long time I am okay with where I am, and am excited for where I am going, I may never walk this way again, but I am so grateful I get to walk this way now, and I am not sorry for waiting, and learning to patiently accept that the lord knows where he is guiding me, and somewhere between my once upon a time, and happily ever after someone will find me, to have a to hold for forever. And I want him to find me singing happily as I work. There is a great work to do and workers are few.
I think for the first time this princess is seeing herself as a princess, instead of an orphan in rags (metaphorically) but moral is the same. If you see yourself in rags slaving away under the rule of a evil queen, how can you rejoice over the fact that you are a beautiful child to a wondrous king?
